I Have A Shirt That Says This!

You Learn Something New And Depressing Every Day

Hey, did you know that more than 14 million African children have been orphaned because of AIDS? Fourteen million.

Finally! A Useful Government Agency.

Dept. Of Evil: 'All Of You Must Die'

WASHINGTON, DC-The department warned that all necks would feel the steely bite of its soul-thirsty axe as soon as funding is approved.

Skinny Puppy Breaks The Rules

A Short Story

THE DAY THE SILENCE WAS BROKEN

by Me.

The silence was broken one day. The reasonable temperament of the grand old lady had drastically changed from that of mild indifference to raging fury. The gentle silence that she was once known for had been replaced by belching, burning, scorching fury of the elements.

Mother Earth had sat quietly for most of her life. Occasionally, her inhabitants felt her presence, however, these changes in mood were, typically, predictable but nonetheless powerful and destructive. Within the span of a few human years, or a maybe just a few minutes to Mother Earth, her mood changed from reasonably tolerant to resentfully heated. The fury she had tried to contain had finally been unleashed through Earth shaking bowel movements, gusts of indigestion and rainstorms of feverish sweat.

These changes did not go unnoticed by her human inhabitants. The alpha-males of society formed committees, workgroups, organizations, lobby groups, activist organizations, political parties, and so on and so on to discuss Mother Earth’s change in mood. All opinions were shared and all ideas discussed. But, these meetings failed to garner Mother Earth’s approval. She showed her contempt by drowning cities of her inhabitants in pools of loath.

One nation said, “We have to stop wasting what Mother Earth has given us.”
Another nation said, “We have to balance need with waste.”
The activists said, “We have to stop raping Mother Earth. She hates us for abusing, stealing and infecting her.”
A third nation said, “She gave us everything to make our lives better. To not use what she has given us, will upset her more.”
A fourth nation said, “Every story has an end in the future. Our future is now.”
Quietly in the corner a voice made a tearful plea. “We are the world’s poor. Please just save us from her wrath.”

All of these meetings were not for nothing.
Action plans. Accords. Protocols.
They were all developed to appease Mother Earth. New machines were created. The humans changed every light bulb in their houses and kept building. The humans applauded their evolution and progress, believing that this would please Mother Earth and gain her favour.

For a few human years, Mother Earth went back to being silent. The stillness could be felt, the silence could be heard and her hate no longer noticed. This, however, did not give the humans a sense of comfort. They could hear the Moon and Sun whispering. What exactly they said they were unsure, but they knew for certain it was about Mother Earth. Soon, the Sun and Moon grew quiet. It wasn’t long before the Sun appeared to visit less frequently. Seasons changed. Days grew longer. The Moon would continue to visit everyday even while the sun was still present. Mother Earth was waking. She was spinning faster and then slower on her axis. She had become suicidal and no longer kept a constant distance from, the much more powerful, sun. Yet, to the humans she did not speak. The humans grew scared. If Mother Earth was not well, they would soon become ill themselves.

Finally, Mother Earth broke her silence and began to terrorize her human inhabitants. She would erupt volcanoes with a rage never before seen by her guests. The land would rumble under her anger as she shook the ground. Glaciers would break apart and melt as her temperature rose.

The humans grew angry with Mother Earth and took to the streets and screamed for a reason, an answer. “Why are you doing this to us Mother Earth? We have tried to make you happy. What is there left for us to do?”
These questions were met with an answer. Mother Earth shook violently and all of the humans went silent. Slowly, a mild and calming voice was heard resonating from Mother Earth’s core. “Humans. My friends.” she began.
Nowhere on her surface could her voice not be heard.
She continued, “I am not angry with you my friends.”
The humans were quick to counter, “Then why do you kill, torment and ruin our lives!”
“Simple beings,” she continued with her soothing motherly voice. “Simple beings. I am not doing these things on purpose. I cannot control what is happening. Much like your bodies, I have a means for curing my illness. My body is just doing what is necessary to heal me.”
To this the humans breathed a sigh of relief, now knowing that she was not trying to kill them and that there was hope to stop all of this hell on Earth.
The scientists around the world spoke together in unison, “We are scientists and we have made great progress in the ways of chemistry, physics and biology. We are sure we can assist in curing your disease. What is it that plagues you?”
Mother Earth spoke once more for a final time, “You. You are my plague. Humans are a parasite in my blood. I have an illness called humans and my body is killing you off. I have developed a fever that will only get more intense until you are all dead. I’m sorry, but it is either you or I.”

Correction!

I was informed by my friend Ian that the Prodigy album I had mentioned last week is not The Prodigy, but the rapper Prodigy! I guess I'm not the only person fouled as Amazon, and various other reliable music sites made the same mistake. So there is some hope that The Prodigy can put out a good album.

Stupid rappers!

Anyway, I blame Ian! If he would get off of his harem once in a while and read my blog more regularly this never would've happened!

Last Vonnegut Thing...

...I promise. My wife found this and I thought it was well done. I know a lot of you out there really liked Vonnegut as well.

For The Women Out There...

You Have HPV

Study: You Have HPV

ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released updated human papillomavirus infection rate statistics Tuesday, which...

Ode to Kurt Vonnegut

If you've ever read Kurt Vonnegut before, you'll know this Onion piece is an accurate tribute.

So it goes.

Kurt Vonnegut Dead

Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan and Slaughterhouse-Five, died late Wednesday evening of head injuries sustained in a fall...

It's a sad day.

Today, one of my heroes has died. Kurt Vonnegut has died at the age of 84. He wrote some of the best books in modern history and was a briliant satirist and humanist. It has been a while since he last wrote a book of fiction, but his passing makes me miss him even more. I'm very sad today!
I will miss you Kurt. Your works have affected me profoundly.

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut November 11, 1922 - April 12, 2007